Is It Me or Is It ME?

Hey Warriors,

This one is for me.

And maybe it is for you too.

There is a very uncomfortable question I have been sitting with lately.

Am I honoring my condition.

Or am I hiding behind it.

Living with heart failure and an LVAD changes your life. It changes your energy levels. Your stamina. Your pace. Your capacity. There are real limitations. Real medical realities. Real risks.

That part is not negotiable.

But here is the part that requires courage.

Sometimes the line between respecting your body and shrinking your life gets blurry.

Am I resting because my body truly needs recovery.

Or am I avoiding the work that stretches me.

Am I saying no because it is medically wise.

Or because I am afraid to be uncomfortable.

Am I moving slowly because that is sustainable.

Or because procrastination feels safer than potential failure.

Chronic illness can quietly become a mask.

A socially acceptable reason to delay dreams.

A protective shield against risk.

A built in explanation for not trying.

And the world will not question you. In fact, people will often applaud you for taking it easy. They will encourage you to stay safe. They will tell you not to push yourself.

But there is a difference between medical wisdom and self sabotage.

Medical wisdom says pace yourself.

Self sabotage says postpone yourself.

Medical wisdom says protect your health.

Self sabotage says do not pursue your calling.

Medical wisdom says modify the plan.

Self sabotage says abandon the plan.

The truth is this. Having an LVAD does not disqualify you from dreaming. It simply requires strategy.

You may not move the way you used to. You may not work the way you used to. You may not grind the way you used to. But you are still responsible for stewarding your potential.

Playing small feels safe. If I never try, I never fail. If I never launch, I never get rejected. If I never apply, I never get told no.

But staying small has a cost.

Resentment.

Stagnation.

Quiet frustration with yourself.

And sometimes we label that frustration as depression. When in reality it may be misaligned purpose.

That does not mean every low season is self sabotage. Let us be clear. Fatigue is real. Setbacks are real. Mental health struggles are real. We never dismiss clinical symptoms.

But when your labs are stable. When your device is functioning well. When your doctors are pleased. And yet you keep delaying the thing that is in your heart. That is worth examining.

Accountability is not self punishment. It is self respect.

Ask yourself this.

What goal have I been postponing that I still talk about.

What dream do I keep revisiting but never acting on.

Where am I using my diagnosis as a permanent ceiling instead of a variable to plan around.

Because here is the spiritual softness inside the firmness.

You survived.

You were given extended time.

There is purpose attached to that.

Your condition may change your timeline. It may change your method. It may change your rhythm. But it does not erase your assignment.

Sometimes the most radical act of faith is disciplined action.

Set smaller goals.

Create sustainable routines.

Work in focused increments.

Honor your energy but do not worship your fear.

You can build slowly without building small.

And if you feel called out reading this, understand I am sitting in it too. Growth is uncomfortable. Responsibility is heavy. But regret is heavier.

“I refuse to let survival mode become my permanent identity.”

Let that settle.

We are not just managing devices. We are managing destiny.

With Heart

💙 Phoenix